Understanding Loss

I'm trying to wrap my head around the loss of my little baby Bear goat.  It happened so suddenly, within hours he was so listless and then he was gone.  He was born on January 29, 2012 with a twin Percy.  Percy didn't make it 24 hours.  I thought Bear was going to be okay.  He was playful and loving, and then just in a matter of hours he was gone.

I had become so close to him, and the decision was to keep him and sell the others due to finances.  It has become so difficult to feed all of them, with the price of hay skyrocketing.  So, it was decided, I could keep little Bear and the rest would go.  Then the day before they were all to be picked up by their new owner, Bear  woke up and didn't seem right.  He just wanted to lay in my arms and sleep.  His body temp started to drop, so I wrapped him into a blanket and a electric hot pad, I kept giving him fluids, but as time went on, it was harder and harder to get him to drink them.  

Then his breathing started getting more and more shallow, we tried oxygen, while it kept him going for a while longer, we finally decided that there was nothing to do and he passed over in my arms.  Tears streamed down my face for the loss of this little one.

Some people may think it strange to grieve so hard for an animal, but I was in essence his mom, since his mama goat had rejected him....for unknown reasons, she was too young, her first babies...who knows.  All I know is that all of a sudden I was thrust into the position of being a mama to 4 baby goats.

First, it was Percy within 24 hours...while I was sad the pain wasn't as great, as I grew up on a farm and understand these things happen.   But with Bear it was much harder, I had spent days and weeks taking care of him and his cousins.  And after making the decision to get rid of the other goats, then to loose him so suddenly threw me.  I felt what did I do wrong...and the sadness surrounded me.  It felt like I lost my child.

I was felt the loss of what his life would have been...playing with him through the summer, and having him follow me around the property. It was all gone.  He was taken just like that...

My husband started talking to me about how lucky that little guy was, that the quality of his life was greater than any goat out there...he had more love in his short little life than many have in a full life.

We then started discussing how so many of us think that quantity is better than quality.   It started a discussion with us.  My husband and I found each other later in life.  Past the time of having children with each other.  He tells me all the time, he wishes we could have had babies together...maybe in the next life we will.  But he wouldn't change anything about where we are in this life.  We have loved a lifetime in the short 3 years we have been together.

I am starting to realize that in the short time little baby Bear was here, he brought so much joy and love...and I am so thankful to the Lady for the quality of time I had with him.

Peace and love,
Barbara